BLONDES originally traveled south from Scandinavia as fair-haired Viking males plundered and pillaged their way across Europe.

Today all-female groups may be spotted traveling around the high-end shopping malls before ending up in the upscale and trendiest nightspots and clubs found in most major cities.

Seasonal movement occurs with blondes flocking to places like Aspen and Vail, in the winter followed by California and South Florida beaches in the summer months.

NATURAL HABITAT

BLONDES are easily enticed into glamorous situations such as films and modeling.

But others of the species can frequently be observed serving behind bars and on supermarket checkouts.

Favored habitats include nightclubs, hair salons and boutiques.

The creatures are also drawn to luxury sports cars and SUVs with names like Porsche, BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, Hummer, etc.

Note: Blondes may be safely approached in their natural environment. But beware when getting too close.

The creatures can become loud and excitable — and they may even become aggressive if asked to dance. If confronted by an agitated blonde in such conditions, back off slowly and observe them from a distance.

MATING HABITS

FEMALE blondes appear keen to pair with the male of the species. Breeding grounds may include professional sports team hospitality suites, backstage at Rock concerts and the back seat of the above mentioned motorcars.

Males of all hair colors are often sent into a bizarre mating ritual at the sight of a blonde (see definition of “2 Blondicapped™”) They may develop a tendency to boast and exaggerate following the experience.

MATING SEASON

ALL year round — but particularly frenzied activity is shown in the office Christmas party season and on foreign migration trips or holidays.

MATING CALL

WHAT’S your salary?

FEEDING HABITS

Breakfast: Starbuck’s Double Latte.
Brunch: Chocolate.
Lunch: Green salad, no dressing.
Evening: Vodka and Red Bull, Cosmo Martini and Malibu and Coke.
Late night snack: IHOP

PLUMAGE

G-STRINGS which show above the trousers (although underwear is normally optional with these creatures), plus strappy sandals with four-inch heels, lift and push-up bras.

SUB SPECIES

THE natural blonde is considered the real McCoy by blonde watchers. Their nearest relative is the bottle blonde which has been recorded in a number of different variations. The bottle blonde may be recognized by its cry of: “I’m a Natural Blonde, Honest”, “What Do You Think of My Highlights?” and “Oh No, I Need My Roots Done”. Another giveaway is their brown eyebrows.

POPULATION

NUMBERS of blondes are declining rapidly but Sweden — which has 4.5 million blondes — and Finland remain strongholds.

In many areas of Europe natural blondes have been replaced by the fast-spreading bottle blonde.

Naturalists have compared the situation with blondes to the ousting of the native red squirrel by the introduced grey squirrel.

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